GREAT WORK, all i can say, just briliant,take a look at my newest piece if you have time.

Fabulous job! You built up a fairly strong rhythm and flow. That, however, leads me to a problem. This is stuck in the wrong category, which isn't at all a big deal, I just thought I'd point that out for future reference. It should be in the "Fixed" poetry category, as opposed to "Open" because it has a fixed rhythm and a rhyming scheme.
Now, about your piece. You've done an awesome job. Your choice of words is seemingly flawless, untill one personal issue I have. When you wrote the line "Pimps, dealers and bums," you somewhat hurt a bit of your effect. Note your choice of words earlier than that line are all smooth and flow together. To me, the word "pimps" snuffed some effect. Maybe there's another noun you can replace it with that doesn't seem so abrupt?
I absolutely love the line "It's in my mind, my ears are ringing." It fits so perfectly and the rhyming doesn't seem forced at all. God job of that!

<i."Confusion takes it's hold
Chaos thrums in verse
Chorus gone in spite of me
Inside a liars curse"

That stanza is my favourite, in spite of the fact that my favourite line is in the first stanza. Each line flows together very well, and the rhyming isn't forced, abrupt, or even obvious. "Thrum" is a beautiful word, isn't it? One thing though, the word "liars" should have an apostrophe before the "s," thus reading "liar's".

Awesome job!

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It's not a promise 'til it's scrawled in ink.
I'm moving! My new account is ~line-in-the-sand; hope to see you there!

thank you so much for this wonderful comment! and .. sorry for the tyopos i may rhyme well but spelling was never a strong point, nor is typing, unfortunatly.

The line imps, dealers and bums" .. well .. i was going to use "prostitute" but i'd used the word "whore" in a previous line and thought it would sound redundent and settled for "pimp" but your right, it does sound way too choppy.

And , yeah, thats my favorite stanza as well

Thank you

~Matthew

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It's not love untill it's scrawled accross your heart.

Thank you. and i did. pretty damn good.

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It's not love untill it's scrawled accross your heart.

Heh, no problem. Typing takes alot of practice, I find, and even then everyone makes typos.
Glad to know you agree with me

--
It's not a promise 'til it's scrawled in ink.
I'm moving! My new account is ~line-in-the-sand; hope to see you there!

I usually have those once in a while, Marcaisa pretty much summed up everything

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Love, Experience, Creation, Discovery, Pain, Hurt, Despair, Triumph, Hope, Passion, Destruction, Isolation, Misery, Miser, Beauty, Envy, Power, Greed, Resolution, Vanity, Understanding, Anxiety, Depression, Zeal, Generosity, you want more? darktribute

You did a great job I love the flow of this and it puts a nice strong picture in my head. I can feel the pain and place it with something in my life that happen to me. I love the star and I love the pull at the end that connects it all. The ending was the strongest to me I really do like this wonderful job! nicely written.

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~ "Stop the drama with Java" ~ [link]